I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
