I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
