this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
