mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
