i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
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Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
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I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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