Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
