i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
