Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
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