I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I need moral support for this bender
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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