Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
