I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
