True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
