i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
