found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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