she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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