Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
