She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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