I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
