My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
