I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
