If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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