I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
