we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
