....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
