he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
