Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
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I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
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The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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