So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Boobs are out for the taking
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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