i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
