He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
