Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My vagina just clenched in fear
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
