I hope my margaritas pass through security.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
