Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
