Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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