I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
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