Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
