a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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