i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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