Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
