I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
