the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
