i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
