You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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