It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
