We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Rumble strips road head = magical
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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