I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
well you can't waste a boner
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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