He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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