You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
