Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
