I want to walk on stilts...naked
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
