i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
