he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
