I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
