I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
