I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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