Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
