i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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